


When The World Goes Away

by Wagnetic



Series: When The World Goes Away [1]
Category: due South
Genre: Depression, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Podfic Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 09:12:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2223510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wagnetic/pseuds/Wagnetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even with Fraser all but moved into his apartment and their solve rate higher than ever, there are times when Ray just can’t pick up his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When The World Goes Away

Even with Fraser all but moved into his apartment and their solve rate higher than ever, there are times when Ray just can’t pick up his head. He sits on the couch and watches the TV without really seeing any of it, or he lies on his bed and just stares up at the ceiling and counts the cracks in the plaster. He knows it makes Fraser uncomfortable, but it’s not something he can change, even for Fraser. Still, it breaks his heart when Fraser comes to sit next to him and says, “Is there anything I can do, Ray?” all desperate, and Ray can only shake his head.

 

“Should I leave you alone for a while?” he’d asked once, and Ray could only look at him thinking ‘ _No, no, don’t leave me. I’ll disappear if you go,’_ but it came out, “Um, if you want,” and Fraser had looked at him like Ray was giving him some sort of test. He’d hung around for a while, just sitting and reading a book or going to the kitchen to wash dishes or whatever, and then he’d finally gone to take Dief for a run. Really, Ray should have gone too. Exercise would probably have done him some good, but he just couldn’t get himself to move. He couldn’t get himself to do a damn thing. All the energy that usually had him crawling out of his skin was just gone, and so he’d waited until Fraser came back and then he’d waited until he fell asleep and just hoped the next day would be better.

 

And usually the next day is better after one of these… episodes.  “Spells,” Fraser calls them. Getting out of bed is hard, but there’s always some case to work on and he gets some of his energy back while he works. He’s basically back on his game as long as he doesn’t spend too much time worrying about whether that sick, drained feeling is going to come back for him.

 

But God, today is unbearable. It’s a Saturday night—he should be doing something fun because it’s the fucking weekend, but instead he’s just sitting on the sofa, staring at the wall and feeling like everything around him is buried under layers of blankets or covered with plastic wrap. Or maybe it’s him who’s buried and the rest of the world is just fine, but either way it’s all so far off that it doesn’t even seem real. Fraser is pacing, and looking worried and frustrated and maybe even angry. Even Dief is lying low instead of begging for after-dinner scraps.

 

Suddenly Fraser stops pacing. He comes and kneels in front of Ray and says, “Tell me exactly how you feel right now.” He’s got the tone that says he’s not taking no for an answer, too.

 

“I don’t know if I can,” Ray says, but Fraser’s giving him a Look, so he gives it a go. “I feel… Untied, I guess. Like what happens to a boat. I’m just floating but I’m not going anywhere. And everything’s kind of faded out like an old movie and it all feels kind of hollow or shallow or something. Like it’s not really real. Everything’s so far away. Even you.”

 

“Even me?” Fraser says. “Right now?”

 

“Yeah, right now. I know you’re here—it’s not like I can’t see you—but… I feel like you’re gone. You’re right there, but you’re not. I guess _I’m_ not. That’s how it gets when I’m like this.”

 

“Even me,” Fraser says again, like he’s onto something with that. After a while he says, “Would you like to have sex?” Just like that. No seduction or heat-of-the-moment passion or anything, just, “Would you like to have sex?”

 

“Not right now, Frase.” Ray hopes he can keep it from sounding insulting. It’s not like he’s gotten tired of sex with Fraser, but right now the idea just isn’t getting to him.

 

“And you don’t want to box or run? Physical exertion is a very effective way to improve a person’s mood.”

 

“Not right now.”

 

“Is there anything you want?” The funny thing is that Fraser doesn’t sound annoyed. He sounds like he knows the answer but he has to see it play out anyway.

 

“I don’t want anything,” Ray tells him.

 

“Right. In that case, we’re doing what I want.” Ray opens his mouth to object, but Fraser says, “Obviously you don’t have to, but you may as well try things my way. Doing nothing has clearly proven to be ineffective, and if nothing sounds appealing, it won’t hurt to let me choose.”

 

Ray wants to say that it’s not that easy. He can’t just do something and hope it goes away. He can’t do anything. It’s too hard. But Fraser gets up and holds out his hand, and Ray takes it and stands with him.

 

“Ok, what are we doing?”

 

Fraser smiles at him. Not a big, happy smile with his crooked tooth showing, but a little, encouraging smile. Coming from someone else, it would look condescending, but he knows Fraser really means it.

 

“We’re going to take a shower.”

 

“A shower?”

 

“Yes. Going through with a routine activity might bring you back to yourself, and if not then the warm water might still be soothing. It doesn’t require much effort and you’ve done the hard part already.”

 

“Standing up, you mean?”

 

Fraser squeezes his hand. “You moved past the inertia. Come on.”

 

He leads Ray to the bathroom and they undress while they wait for the water to heat up. They don’t talk. Fraser checks the temperature periodically and when it’s right, he pulls Ray in. The water doesn’t feel like much. It’s like any other shower, but it feels distant too. The spray falls on him and makes shower noises, but it doesn’t make the world come back.

 

“It’s not working,” he says, but Fraser shushes him.

 

“Give it a chance. It might not work, but lets try it before you rule it out.”

 

“Alright.”

 

He reaches for the soap, which isn’t any more real than the water. Going through the motions is familiar, but so is everything else. He listens to the _shhh_ of the water and tries to focus on the slipperiness of his skin, and it’s just not getting through to him. Ray wants to say _‘I can’t do this,’_ but Fraser’s right, it’s not any worse than sitting on the couch. At least he’s clean now. Fraser comes behind him and rubs shampoo into his hair. He spends a while massaging Ray’s scalp, and it doesn’t send those nice little shivery prickles down Ray’s spine like it usually does, but it’s there. Comforting. It’s still blurry, but that point of contact is clearer. He takes a deep breath and he can feel himself breathing. Fraser tilts Ray’s head back to rinse his hair, and Ray keeps his head back even after his hair is clean, resting against Fraser’s shoulder. Normally Fraser would complain about him wasting water, but this is a special case and he lets Ray stay there as long as he needs to.

 

Ray’s not sure how long they stay like that, but eventually he’s ready to get out. “I know what I want,” he says. “It’s gonna sound dumb, but I want to lie down with my head on your lap and hear you read.”

 

Fraser grins at him. “I’d love that.” Ray likes that smile—he _enjoys_ that smile. He’s still not happy, but he’s registering the good things. Fraser feels closer now and God, Ray’s thankful for that. Maybe Fraser can’t pull him out of the drifting world, but he can help Ray get closer to the surface.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [When The World Goes Away](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8302676) by [thisisaslongas (mayamaia)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayamaia/pseuds/thisisaslongas)




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